14 valuable rules on how to launder ¢ 50,000,000

by Cem Basman

Paul Lashmar writes about the Tonbridge heist: "It's not the robbery that separates the amateur from the professional," said the former armed robber-turned-author "Horace Silver" yesterday. "It's the way you deal with the money afterwards." ... and gives 14 valuable rules on how to launder ¢ 50,000,000:

COUNT THE CASH. If there are any new, traceable notes, chuck them. Prepare for prison. What we are about to describe is theoretically possible, but the chances of success are extremely slim

BURY IT, put it away, stick it in an inconspicuous lock-up or security vault for as long as you can bear to do so, at least until the fuss dies down. That might take a year

HIRE YOURSELF A RELIABLE FINANCIAL ADVISER who knows both how to bend the rules and keep his mouth shut. Pay him well. (This is not a real one, by the way)

SPEND A LITTLE IF YOU MUST, but keep it to small amounts of used notes only, in places such as dodgy casinos where nobody looks too closely at the cash. Don't be flash

RECRUIT SMURFS - lower-ranking villains who are used to handling funny money - to change bundles of less than ¢5,000 for euros at friendly bureaux de change

COLLECT THE EUROS and take them into Europe, through the Tunnel or on the Eurostar. Stay calm and watch your mates carefully - there is a ¢2m reward out, after all

WALK INTO A BANK IN LIECHTENSTEIN, one of the few countries in Europe where the law protects the identity of account holders, even from police investigators

OR SMUGGLE THE NOTES OUT OF BRITAIN. If you did not do this on the same night as the robbery and before the alarm was raised, then wait as long as you can

TAKE THE MONEY TO A COUNTRY where the customs officials can be bribed to certificate your cash as clean. Start a company. Experts suggest the Balkans would be a good choice

START ANOTHER COMPANY IN DUBAI, where directors do not need to be named. Use the Balkan money to buy expensive products from it (which need not exist)

TRANSFER THE INCOME from Dubai to a tax haven such as the Cayman Islands where secrecy is assured. Set up a blind trust and nobody will know it's for you

BRING THE MONEY FROM THE CAYMANS back to the UK through more shell companies. Set up an apparently legitimate business here. And hope nobody asks why it never goes bust

OR USE THE PROCEEDS you have brought back to buy - slowly, discreetly - diamonds, property or anything else that might be an investment. Then sell up, and all your money is clean

OR CHARGE UP an anonymous 'stored value' account in the Caymans and withdraw money, untraceably, from any ATM. In your dreams. In reality, you will probably be in prison by now

Thanks, Paul.

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I explain difficult concepts in simple ways. For free, and for money. Clue procurement and bullshit detection.

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